Rejoining the world
In two weeks I'll be starting a new job. I spent many months resisting getting a full-time job again, until I finally saw that that's actually what I wanted and I was resisting my own love. I have no idea why I want this, but something tells me it's that I want to be around people, interacting with them, participating in life. I had an idea over the last year that I should create a lot of space in my life for awakening to take over me and burn up all the pain and ego inside of me. I didn't know what that means, I just knew Jim did it, and he recommends it, and so I diligently set about creating this space. The way I did that was to not seek a full-time job, but instead to set up a consulting agreement where I could work from home and only work half time. This, I thought, would also give me time to get better physically.
It definitely helped. And it has helped to have a paycheck again and to be using my brain again to feel a little bit more like I'm participating in life than the previous months of just cooking and researching food problems. Focusing on that less and enjoying working and solving complex problems has made life feel more enjoyable. I've also been doing more things for fun like going on road trips and making new friends. I got a Christmas tree this year just because I wanted to. Those things have felt a little bit like guilty pleasures: like I'm taking time off from my serious spiritual quest. And I have been realizing what a load of baloney that is. How that is still part of the victim mentality that is addicted to suffering and self-punishment. Spiritual growth can apparently also be used as a form of self punishment.
Maybe these things are obvious to others. I've had feedback many times to just have fun, just enjoy, to which I'd always reply (out loud or in my head) that I get a lot out of spiritual "work" and find more peace and joy through that. Now I'm realizing that even though this is true, it is worthless and pointless without actually experiencing the lightness of life. All that advice about balance in your life is actually true, and even applies to those on the spiritual path. Apparently it is not for me to lead a totally disconnected life, separate from regular society. I've heard some who awaken do go that route, and live totally by themselves for example, but I'm feeling that this isn't the case for me, not right now at least.
And right now is indeed all I have. I have been humbled to realize I'm just as human as anyone else, and I have the same need for friends, work, play, and creativity as anybody else. I am fortunate to have friends in my life that model compassion and love for all humans, even if they are "broken" as I would judge. This includes myself and others that, honestly, my ego would usually just dismiss. Yet I see friends accept these people, and accept me, for all our faults. It is a valuable lesson for the self-hating ego.
So it's through more participation that I am finding triggers and places inside that are wounded and scared. I experience so much self-judgment and it is painful. But I'm seeing the falseness of it more and more. I am seeing how it is through the mirrors that life presents, either through people or experiences, that this pain is illuminated. How it is hidden when I am by myself, but by myself I feel like I'm not fully living. And the moments of the worst pain, when my ego feels cornered and found out, after the crying and the mental anguish, is when I find the most freedom.
Thus, I am welcoming the world with open arms, all those "normal" people, places, and things, to help me see myself in all my beauty and all my ugliness, to see their illusion and to let my true Self find more and more room inside this human body.
It definitely helped. And it has helped to have a paycheck again and to be using my brain again to feel a little bit more like I'm participating in life than the previous months of just cooking and researching food problems. Focusing on that less and enjoying working and solving complex problems has made life feel more enjoyable. I've also been doing more things for fun like going on road trips and making new friends. I got a Christmas tree this year just because I wanted to. Those things have felt a little bit like guilty pleasures: like I'm taking time off from my serious spiritual quest. And I have been realizing what a load of baloney that is. How that is still part of the victim mentality that is addicted to suffering and self-punishment. Spiritual growth can apparently also be used as a form of self punishment.
Maybe these things are obvious to others. I've had feedback many times to just have fun, just enjoy, to which I'd always reply (out loud or in my head) that I get a lot out of spiritual "work" and find more peace and joy through that. Now I'm realizing that even though this is true, it is worthless and pointless without actually experiencing the lightness of life. All that advice about balance in your life is actually true, and even applies to those on the spiritual path. Apparently it is not for me to lead a totally disconnected life, separate from regular society. I've heard some who awaken do go that route, and live totally by themselves for example, but I'm feeling that this isn't the case for me, not right now at least.
And right now is indeed all I have. I have been humbled to realize I'm just as human as anyone else, and I have the same need for friends, work, play, and creativity as anybody else. I am fortunate to have friends in my life that model compassion and love for all humans, even if they are "broken" as I would judge. This includes myself and others that, honestly, my ego would usually just dismiss. Yet I see friends accept these people, and accept me, for all our faults. It is a valuable lesson for the self-hating ego.
So it's through more participation that I am finding triggers and places inside that are wounded and scared. I experience so much self-judgment and it is painful. But I'm seeing the falseness of it more and more. I am seeing how it is through the mirrors that life presents, either through people or experiences, that this pain is illuminated. How it is hidden when I am by myself, but by myself I feel like I'm not fully living. And the moments of the worst pain, when my ego feels cornered and found out, after the crying and the mental anguish, is when I find the most freedom.
Thus, I am welcoming the world with open arms, all those "normal" people, places, and things, to help me see myself in all my beauty and all my ugliness, to see their illusion and to let my true Self find more and more room inside this human body.
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